This book was originally published in 1980 but 21 years later it is still a winner. I think it's fair to warn anyone who reads the Henry Root letters that they need to approach them with that peculiarly British (or even English) sense of wacky humour that Root thrives on. The examples I give here should demonstrate what this means.

Basically, The Henry Root Letters is a spoof: I have just learned that Henry Root is really William Donaldson. Root claims to have made it big in wet fish: he sells himself as the boss of Henry Root Wet Fish Ltd in several of his letters.

Root writes to all and sundry on real and imaginary issues and part of his trick in ensuring he receives an answer to his letters is to enclose a Pound note (in rare cases, a FIVE Pound note). He has written to the high and the mighty (Monarchs, Presidents and Prime Ministers) as well as more lowly folk such as lawyers, football managers (Brian Clough and Lawrie McMenemy), TV newsreaders such as Angela Rippon, MPs and Chief Constables and many more.

Root can attack a real subject that he has either had on his mind for a while or that he has got from the news on the day that he wrote the letter; and his letters typically end with an epithet such as

• Keep hammering 'em!
• Support Mrs Thatcher
• Your man on the door-step
• Keep hitting 'em where it hurts
• Your pal in the soft south
• Royalists demand the return of the rope! (This to HM the Queen!)

Root has a few themes or people that recur; and some of his correspondents seem to have been taken in totally by his nonsense whilst others are suspicious. Very few see Root for the sham that he is; and woe betide the recipient of a Root attack who doesn't reply: these letters are stamped ignominiously with a huge No Reply! … they are then usually the victim of a further, sometimes more acidic or direct, letter than the first flurry.

Some of Root's victims fall into his trap like a fly getting caught up in a spider's web; others get caught up in the web when their reply falls short of what Root wanted or expected.

Esther Rantzen was one who was caught! Root wrote to Rantzen following an edition of Rantzen's "That's Life" programme. Root's irony is writ large as he says:

"You've got the formula just right. If only more people in TV (television) realised that it's possible to be healthily vulgar without descending to schoolboy smut."

He then submits some humorous definitions (eg The Vatican: House of pill repute) and a comical poem for Rantzen to use on her programme. Root receives a standard reply from Rantzen that politely thanks him very much indeed for writing to her … it's a tremendous morale boost … she sends her best wishes …

Root replies with the following

"Dear Esther,

You're a fat idiot and your show's a disgrace."

To which Rantzen replies

"… thanks very much indeed for writing … it's a tremendous morale boost … best wishes …"

A scare tactic that Root employs to great effect is to offer to turn up on someone's doorstep at a given time and place in order to further the issue at hand! The former(?) chief Constable of Greater Manchester, James Anderton, is someone whom Root has struck up a number of conversations and having been the subject of a 'no can do' from Anderton, Root suggests:

"Don't worry about this, because I've had an idea! We'll come to you!"

Root then sets

• the date: Wednesday 8th May
• the place: Anderton's Office
• the time: four pm
• the Root party: Root, Mrs Root, Major Dewdrop, Dr Littlewinkle and his good lady, the Snipes (Fred and Rita) together with their youngsters Molly (17) and Bruce (19) and the Smithsons.

Root entreats Anderton not to go to any trouble and simply requests tea (Indian) and rock cakes as being sufficient. To help defray costs, Root encloses a Pound!

Root's letter ends with this:

"Bring back the rope! … PS Please le me know if you can't make it on the arranged date. I'd hate to run into your office with my party only to find you'd sugared off early to play golf with the Lord Mayor!"

Anderton replies that he is unable to meet Root either on 8th May or at all because

"… my busy professional life makes it virtually impossible for me to guarantee such relatively informal contacts … I am returning your £1.00 note …"

When Root has, perhaps, overstepped the mark, his strategy is to retire: he cuts the correspondence short. In one such case, he wrote to British Actors Equity with the news that 'Root Touring Productions Ltd' were to be holding auditions for 'The English Way of Doing Things'. Root gave a date, time and place at which:

"Artistes will be required to disrobe frontally and show themselves available in all positions to undertake acts of simulated intercourse for the benefit of myself (choreographer) and Mr and Mrs Snipe (investors) who live next-door.

"It is my understanding that an Official Equity Observer likes to be present at such times, and who shall blame him? Nice work if you can get it!"

Equity sent a Telex/Telegram:

"Henry Root … CONTACT EQUITY URGENT … "

When Root is rumbled, he similarly runs to ground. He wrote to the Senior Tutor at Magdalene College, Cambridge University with a letter that started:

"Yours is a college at which brains are neither here nor there, I'm told … This being the case, I'm prepared to send my boy to you … He's 15 now and shows every sign of needing all the advantages that money can buy. You'll have seen many like that.

"I enclose a small cash advance (this is for you personally, you understand) …"

Almost by return, TEB Howard MC, MA, Senior Tutor and Tutor for Admissions, Magdalene College replied:

"Thank you for your letter. I am afraid I do not know who you are, but you are evidently either an ingenious hoaxer or labouring under a massive misapprehension. I therefore return your £5 note herewith."

The Root letters are undoubtedly humorous but underlying them there is satire and a whole host of home truths in them. Root writes with a lot of irony and no subject is sacrosanct: he takes a swipe at our Great Institutions and people and he levels them all with the apparent insight of a child: out of the mouths of babes and sucklings! Root's views of Chief Constable Anderton are transparent; his views on the outcome of the Jeremy Thorpe trial and the Judge's handling thereof are transparent; and his views on British life in general are equally transparent.

Initially I wrote that Root needs to remain anonymous so that his crusades retain all of their validity and childlike insights: the Emperor's new clothes will always be revealed as the sham they are with Henry Root around! On reflection, I suppose it doesn't matter that everyone knows who Henry Root really is now: he's established himself as the champion of many a cause and got away with it ... and is still getting away with it. Well done!

I hope I have caught some of the style and nature of The Henry Root Letters. I think they are great and am happy to tell you, if you didn't know, that there's more: The Further Letters of Henry Root, Henry Root's World of Knowledge and Root Into Europe. I'm afraid I know only the Letters and the Further Letters.

Buy, buy, buy!

For as long as this link is valid take a look at a bit about William Donaldson.

Duncan Williamson
18 November 2001