This is the kind of Christmas stocking filler that I love: it's a collection of the sayings of the world's dopes. These sayings are gathered into 11 sections ranging from Rich and Famous to Famous and Infamous Last Words. Along the way, of course, the British Royal Family has to be included as have Politicians and Businessmen.

A book such as this sells itself on the quality of its findings so here is a selection of what's in store for you. You can then decide whether you can take any more!

Let's start with that vest wearing latter day saviour of the planet Sting:

Ich bin warm: he was explaining to a German audience that he was feeling hot ... little did Sting know that ich bin warm means I am gay!

The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey: that's Mr Michael Holding and Mr Peter Willey. A genuine gaffe by Brian Johnston in a Test Match Special broadcast.

I really can't remember the names of the clubs we went to: Shaquille O'Neale when asked whether he had visited the Parthenon during a recent trip to Greece.

Artifical (sic) insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull: science examination answer

Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death: in a letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services

One of those apocryphal(?) Spoonerisms: let me sew you to your sheet ... well, you work it out!
Another one, Is the bean dizzy?

Come on Kong, forget about me. The thing's just never going to work out, can't you see? Line spoken by Jessica Lange to King Kong in the eponymous film of 1976. Who on earth wrote THAT line?

Suddenly I was subjected to a particularly nasty, totally unexpected and unprovoked attack: Peter W Sutcliffe who, as the Yorkshire Ripper savagely murdered 13 unfortunate women over an extended period of many years.

Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife: extract from a letter to an English council's housing department.

And so they go on: there's hundreds of them and you'll find better and worse than I'm shown here.

I loved it!

 

© Duncan Williamson
29 January 2005

© Webmaster Duncan Williamson 2005